4

I won a grant, but Microsoft Word crashed my party

12.23.05 @ 12:47PM Tags

Microsoft Word is unbelievable. I just wrote a few pages about the experience of applying for, and eventually winning, a modest arts grant. The post was a reflection on the arts and the creative process. It was an exploration of applying for grants, and applying for things in general as an artist. It was the first thing I’d written for this site that was actually relevant to filmmaking. It was a great post. Molten fucking gold was flowing directly out of my head onto the page.

And then I had to leave, so I re-read what I’d written, got all warm and fuzzy thinking about how well-written it was, and clicked on the ‘X’ in the upper right-hand corner of Word. The program asked me if I wanted to save the document. Changing my mind, and thinking that I would instead leave the computer on and the document open, I clicked “no.” Instead of “cancel.”

Cue the late-90s Ben Folds Five song: “It evaaaaaaaporated.”

Microsoft Word, if you were a person, you would be former FEMA Director Michael Brown: completely behind the times, ignorant of those you are supposed to assist, and unable to take any preventative measures whatsoever. Let me tell you something: computers these days have huge hard drives. In some cases, hundreds of gigabytes. Yet, in all your wisdom, you’ve been programmed to decide that the .asd file you generate as a backup every 10 minutes should be deleted the very second someone quits. What’s that, you say? I should have saved the document at some point? Well, personally I think the action of saving is going out of style–Microsoft’s own OneNote, for example, automatically saves as you go. And I was in the zone, writing. You’re telling me you couldn’t keep the 30KB file around for a few minutes? Yes, you’re designed to recover damaged documents in case of power failure. But if someone closes without saving, they might as well be stuck on a New Orleans rooftop while you look for a dog-sitter. Prick.

On a completely different, non name-calling note, writing “late-90s” above reminded me: if you go see Good Night, and Good Luck–a movie I would probably call overrated, if I was aware of how it’s been rated–you will see an opening title crawl that starts off something like “During the 1950′s and 1960′s…” Now, I’m not a spelling and grammar stickler, as I’m sure there are plenty of mistakes on this very site (thankfully, blog writing standards are not particularly high). I never learned grammar myself, really–somehow I skipped that part of school, and just learned how to write by reading. I literally (or illiterally) cannot tell you what an adverb or pronoun is. But I do know that you’re not supposed to put apostrophes after years. “50s” is plural and correct; “50′s” is not. It might not seem like a big deal, but when you’re watching it scroll across a 30-foot screen, it kind of jumps out at you.

Now. I think it’s safe to assume (and yes, I’m aware that “now” is not a complete sentence) that many sets of eyes saw the opening title crawl before it went to whatever the digital equivalent of optical title-printing is these days. Indeed, it is borderline offensive to assume that an entire crew would have missed the grammatical error. So perhaps it’s a stylistic choice? Was grammar that different in the 60s? Was Clooney trying to evoke a different era through his subtle apostrophe use? I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. But still.

I’m going to stop writing now, and hit Control-S to save this document. And then I’m going to send it by telegram, hop on my horse and buggy, and play a game of basketball without dribbling.

Saving is dated. Microsoft, get it together.

At some point, I’ll try to re-write the grant post. And save it.

0

Breaks. Like. No. Other.

12.15.05 @ 8:54PM Tags

The days of gift-giving approacheth. Let me share one bit of advice:

Don’t buy anyone a Sony digital camera.

My DSC-P150 just broke yesterday, after 14 months of occasional use. Sony’s planned obsolescence worked to perfection here: the manufacturer’s warranty is only 12 months. Way to go. Also, a friend of mine, who recently sold his Sony on eBay, was just informed by the buyer that his camera kicked the bucket after a week of use (apparently he sold it just in time). And the Sony owned by another friend of mine broke right before she was going to New Zealand, forcing her to do the unthinkable: take along a regular film camera.

So that’s three Sonys that have broken in the past month that I know of. Curiosity got the better of me and I tried to fix mine (the LCD panel started flickering, and then just stopped lighting up altogether), so I dissected it and ended up repeatedly shocking myself, all to no avail. I hoped my Asianness would get me past the fact that I had no idea what I was doing, but alas, I was unable to repair it.

Besides, in my experience Canon cameras render images that look more similar to what my own visual memory looks like–whereas the Sony sometimes produces pleasing images, its colors (too much red) and contrast levels (crushed blacks) just don’t come anywhere near the human eye’s own renderings. Good riddance.

3

The World Wide Web is closer than my front door

12.11.05 @ 2:23PM Tags

I finally caved.

After years of trying to avoid the iPod, because a) everyone has it, and b) I thought it sounded like crap, I finally gave in and got one. Why? Well as I was running out of space on my trusty, ugly, great-sounding Rio Karma, Apple was announcing that their new iPod plays video. This seemed like a no-brainer transition because, as an aspiring filmmaker, I could load full-framerate H.264 video on the iPod and show it to anyone, anytime. And while I thought the biggest part of Apple’s announcement was not the new iPods themselves, but rather the fact that you could purchase TV shows for $1.99 apiece–a significant shift in the revenue stream for television networks, and film content as well–the new iPod nevertheless inspired a bit of involuntary consumer lust in me. Especially since it comes in black, which I can plug a regular pair of headphones into, and thus avoid looking like a walking ad for the early 2000′s (which is what the ubiquitous white headphone cord will be remembered for). Or headphone cords at all, for that matter–it’s only a matter of time before we have high-quality wireless headphones. But the white cord is a particularly egregious offense. No shit. I understand you are listening to music. Why are you not breakdancing this very minute?

I was worried that the new iPod hadn’t improved in sound quality since the early models I’d listened to, which sounded canned and bass-deficient, but that fear was assuaged by some of the audiophiles on various sound quality and headphone forums.

Thus I became the one-billionth person to order an iPod last week. The Fedex tracking number Apple sent me Wednesday night said it was coming straight from Shanghai. I had selected “free shipping,” so I expected it to take a week or so. Then, Friday I logged onto Fedex.com to see where in the world my shiny object was, and it said “2:32 PM– Left at front door. Package delivered to recipient address. Release authorized.” What?! I’m sitting right here! No way. So I go downstairs, open the door, and there it is, sitting on the front porch. It took less than two days to get here from China. The globe is getting smaller. The World Wide Web is closer than my front door. Crazy.

I often wonder what my kids are going to say one day when I tell them that I had no internet, no e-mail, no instant messenger, and no cell phone growing up–all of the connectivity they couldn’t imagine living without, I didn’t have. Of course by the time I have kids (which will not be for a long, long time if I can help it), who knows what other developments there will have been. By the time they reach adolescence, I’ll be telling them “we had to sheath ourselves in latex to have sex! Latex!” And they’ll look at me as if they can’t believe their father is talking about sex–gross! And then I’ll say, just to piss them off, “your mom and I are still fucking like rabbits. In every position you can imagine, and then some.”

Or maybe I’ll be divorced already. Or maybe I’ll never get married–I’m still not sure what I think of that whole institution. As a twentysomething, it’s an issue you are either ultra-conscious of, or ultra-conscious of avoiding.

Anyway, back to the fingerprint magnet. iTunes asked me to name my iPod, which made me wonder how many people in the world named their iPods i[Something], and patted themselves on the back for being clever. I couldn’t resist the temptation either, but since self-awareness is half the battle, I went with iConform. And patted myself on the back.

My reel looks decent on the 2.5″ screen, although the iPod is only 65,000 colors, so the color gradations on the intro and outro animations are not at all smooth. Also, there are no brightness/contrast/saturation controls whatsoever; this is either because Apple wants to keep things simple, or because they want to save those controls for the widescreen, DVD-resolution iPod Movie, which you know is coming out in a year. Or less.

But it sounds good. Really good. Not good enough to make me do this, though.

0

A rite of passage

12.9.05 @ 12:59PM Tags

Apparently this site has gotten enough hits (about 70,000 since August, according to ShortStat) that it is now a worthwhile target for the spammers-that-be.

Thanks to everyone who’s visited. Although I think most of you came for that R. Kelly thing and never returned. But of those 70k, only about 2,000 have been from the wikipedia entry on “Trapped in the Closet,” and the number of hits to the R. Kelly pages here total about 16k (a lot, but still less than a quarter of the total hits). I should note that the stats package AWStats reports significantly less hits than ShortStat, but I can’t get it to work right now. And besides, for my ego, I’ll go with the higher number. It just makes no sense that a sparsely-updated, opinion-driven blog written by a wannabe filmmaker with no credits to his name would get any hits at all. So thanks, whoever you are.

All of that said, I’d like to address these spammers personally.

Spammers,

Honestly, I thought you were all just automatons. A bunch of computers out there on the anonymous internet, trolling for websites with less-than-secure comment systems, which you could victimize with advertisements for free iPods, penis pills, and desktop PCs.

I was wrong. You are actual, living human beings.

And thanks, but I already have all of those things.

After I thoughtlessly deleted your comment advertising “cheap Tramadol,” you responded with a pleading, heartfelt question: “why did you delete my post about Tramadol?”

Why, indeed?

Here, “Harry Q. Hammer,” I’m going to make amends: I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that you are a real person with real feelings, and that you’d spent your own precious time advertising Tramadol on my site. I should be so lucky as to have real sponsors! To make it up to you and your likeminded friends, I’m posting some information about Tramadol here, which I believe you are selling “generic” versions of. I hope this helps your sales.

Tramadol is used to relieve moderate to moderately severe pain. It may be used to treat pain caused by surgery and chronic conditions such as cancer or joint pain. Tramadol is in a class of medications called opiate (narcotic) analgesics. It works by decreasing the body’s sense of pain.

Harry, I’m working under the assumption that your client base is made up mostly of people who are prescription-less, and who are interested in using Tramadol for “recreational” purposes. Given that this is ostensibly a film-oriented site, with a readership of film-type people, you may have a decent pill-popping market here. But since I care about my readers, I would be remiss if I did not also post the potential side effects:

dizziness
weakness
headache
seizures
nervousness or anxiety
agitation
shaking hands that you cannot control
increased muscle tightness
changes in mood
drowsiness
blurred vision
heartburn or indigestion
upset stomach
vomiting
diarrhea
constipation
itching
sweating
flushing
dry mouth
hives
rash
sores on the inside of your mouth, nose, eyes, or throat
flu-like symptoms
itching
difficulty swallowing or breathing
swelling of the face, throat, tongue, lips, eyes, hands, feet, ankles, or lower legs
fast heartbeat
hoarseness
difficulty swallowing or breathing
changes in urination
seeing things or hearing voices that do not exist (hallucinating)

That last one sounds fun! In fact, many of these “side effects” may be exactly what the recreational user is looking for. I’ve just done you another favor.

Unfortunately, as a result of your advertising here, I had to spend some time installing spam filters to make sure this never happens again.

Still–don’t say I never did nothin’ for ya.

Actually, you can say it all you want–no one’s gonna hear you anymore. Asshole.