September 21, 2016 at 5:53PM

2

My first job: A Craigslist couple wanted a gentle DP with a big package...

I was so excited for my first gig! It wasn’t paying but it sounded like a blast! A nice couple needed a fun DP with a good package. My package consisted of a 5D mkiii with a canon 24-70mm. I also had a a few led lights. Oddly it was posted in the casual encounters section...
The location was an old apartment in Studio City. When I arrived to the location it seemed like they really roughed it up. Socks and underwear covered the floor. An odor lingered from the kitchen. A cough and a voice came from deeper in the apartment “You’re the DP…?”
I choked up before I could say anything. I just nodded.
A woman’s laughter howled and said “Aw he’s shy!” I stepped in the apartment “No… this is just my... first time.”
I walked down the hallway and saw them. A half naked man and a wrinkly woman in a nightgown were in a dimly lit bedroom.
I carefully pulled out my 5D and said “Well where should I unload my package?”
The woman laughed and said “Look he brought camera! It looks cleaner than ours…” The creepy man smiled and said “You and me will be doing most of the work, I hope you’re ready. We’re going to slip into something comfortable and get started”
They left the room. I noticed a weird black leather skin suit was crammed under the bed. I had begun to sweat profusely. It all made sense.
This was some sort of sex thing I thought. I couldn’t leave… I had come too far. I could hear my father’s voice in my head “Julian it’s time to man up!”
I stripped my trousers off. If you look passed the wrinkles and the black teeth the woman looked alright. I threw my shirt off and nakedly climbed under the sheets. Well… this is going to be one story I never want to-
BANG!
A c-stand slammed into the wall. A few men entered the room setting up lights. I raised the sheets up to my neck! A woman came in with sound equipment. The creepy man entered in a suit and cigar “Who hit the wall with a c-stand? You know these sets aren’t going to stand up to that!” He looked at me.
“Well mister DP are you gonna set up the camera?” I gulped.
He yelled “Why are you under the sheets? Edward Norton is about to get in there!” He tugged the sheets. Edward Norton entered the room just then.
The director looked down and picked up my pants, dropping his cigar. The room was now filled with close to 40 people. Just then Edward Norton yelled “Get up!” He scooted under the sheets and bumped into me. “Is that your penis?” I looked to him “I’m sorry Edward.” I made eye contact with the broken director “Does this mean I’m blacklisted?”
Anyway long story short how do I get off the blacklist?

5 Comments

*stands up*
*looks around*
*starts slow clap*

Seriously though, this is hilarious! Definitely going to be sharing it in my filmmaking newsletter this week.

September 23, 2016 at 8:08PM

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Robert Hardy
Founder of Filmmaker's Process
4160

Ha I'd love to check it out! I love your site!

September 26, 2016 at 5:56PM

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Julian Terry
Writer/Director
466

Not the place for lame, poorly written stories.

September 24, 2016 at 6:01AM

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Jacob Floyd
Writer / Videographer
1143

I'm sincerely sorry I posted this. Please forgive me.

September 26, 2016 at 5:51PM

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Julian Terry
Writer/Director
466

Haha! That's hilarious!

December 27, 2016 at 9:45AM

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Kyle Sanders
Editor
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