» Archive for the ‘other’ Category
Thank you to everyone who took the NoFilmSchool survey I posted a week ago — you’ve confirmed that we are indeed a bunch of multi-hyphenates. Only 13% of respondents had one answer to the question, “what do you do?” More »
Thanks for visiting the new nofilmschool: a site for independent creatives and multi-hyphenates. If you’re a filmmaker, writer, editor, producer, blogger, designer, or entrepreneur — or more than one of these — I hope you’ll find the upcoming content helpful.
Find out who I am on the new About page, watch Ten stunning examples of DSLR cinematography, and if you’re interested in high-quality, low-cost filmmaking check out my brand new 10,000-word feature The DSLR Cinematography Guide. A sampling of upcoming articles include “12 free tools for Mac creatives,” “Wordpress for filmmakers,” “Gmail for social creatives,” and other how-to articles, productivity tips, interviews with independent creatives, and embedded short films and series.
nofilmschool will feature a new post every weekday at noon. To stay in the know, subscribe to RSS, email updates, or find me on Twitter or Facebook. Also, this is a brand new site design (pardon the mess if anything’s broken), so please leave feedback!
I can’t imagine why the Family Learning Channel would reject these. NSFW if you consider excessive cartoon gore to be NSFW. More »
I’m a few days late on this, but as someone who’s been trying to get a low-budget NYC production off the ground for the past six months, this is not a pleasant specter to stare in the face: More »
One of my favorite artists when he was a Fugee (when I was 15), Wyclef Jean has since strung together a frustratingly inconsistent discography, characterized by intermittent guitar playing, occasional repurposing of his own catalog (Wyclef Jean featuring Claudette Ortiz: Dance Like This became Shakira featuring Wyclef Jean: Hips Don’t Lie) moral and/or religious grandstanding, general stonership, on-stage bonership (it came up as I was pulling the Shakira video… which also sounds like a pun), some bona fide hits, some bad covers, some even worse covers… Actually I’m not sure where I’m going with this. If I get the chance to work with him one day, will I go back and delete this post to cover my tracks?
Anyway, this is not one of those “Seen” posts where I share a video I like. Instead, I believe Wyclef’s latest video, “Fast Car,” may in fact be a bona fide New Low in product placement, and thus worth sharing at this particular post-millennial corporate synergasm in time. And while I didn’t expect it to be the greatest music video ever made (after all, the video wasn’t directed by “the best who ever did it“), I at least expected to understand what the hell was going on during the next four minutes. Instead, the corporate agenda on display obliterates all pretense of a sensical narrative, and after watching it a few times I still can’t figure out if anyone had the balls to actually put forth a treatment, or if they just strung together a bunch of shots and called it a day.
Why is “nonsensical” a word, but not “sensical?”
Anyway, Wyclef is on Sony BMG. Paul Simon, featured on the song, is also on Sony. Burnout Paradise, the videogame featured throughout the music video, is currently available on the Sony Playstation 3. At the start of the video, Wyclef’s previous single, the catchy “Sweetest Girl“–which features singing by Niia, another Sony artist–is playing on a Sony TV. A kid walks past a Sony-format tape deck (HDCAM?), with a Sony MP3 player around his neck and a Sony bluetooth headest in his ear, picks up his Sony Playstation controller (note the Playstation itself on the desk), and then e-mails Wyclef on his Sony Playstation Portable (the PSP can e-mail! take note!). Wyclef opens his trunk to grab a Sony controller from in front of another Sony flastcreen. Once inside the Burnout Paradise virtual world (which makes sense, because the song is titled “Fast Car,” and the game has… cars), the white guy stand-in for Paul Simon checks his Sony PSP (while driving at top speed), and to conclude the video, the kid takes a picture of himself on a Sony webcam.
Here is a partial list of companies that did not pay for the video’s production:
Microsoft
Nintendo
Cabot Cheese
2007, I say to a friend, is the year I get my shit together.
No, he tells me, 2006 was the year you got your shit together (I’m somewhat inclined to agree, what with moving to NYC and all). 2007, he tells me, is the year you light your shit on fire.
As a follow-up, he then proffers his own resolution: to cut the shit.
Continuing this train of thought, another friend puts forth her resolution to handle her shit.
Finally, after pondering these prior resolutions, another friend comes up his resolution for 2007: to “shit all over it.”
Nice one, Zack.
Last night I saw the Bob Dylan musical The Times They Are A-Changin’ (comp tickets). General misgivings about Broadway musicals notwithstanding, for me the show brought to mind a favorite basketball quote from ex-Georgetown coach John Thompson (although I think it was via Al McGuire): “just put the ball in the basket. All this French pastry is not necessary.”
Now that I’m gainfully employed at MTV, I’ve been enjoying receiving boilerplate rejection emails from other companies. When one unexpectedly pops up in my inbox, I think: oh, okay, yeah, I remember you guys–I would have never worked for you anyway. Which may or may not be true–but the sting of rejection inspires such a response, regardless. One example:
Dear applicant,
Thank you very much for your interest in Lime Wire’s film project and for taking the time to complete the first-round interview process with us. We very much enjoyed reviewing your application. Blah, blah, blah. However, although your skills and experience are impressive, we feel that your qualifications are not a match for our needs at this time. Thanks again for your interest in Lime Wire; we wish you the best of luck in your job search.
Sincerely,
[Name withheld]
Human Resources Associate
The Lime Group, LLC
First of all, if I were a HR person, I’d occasionally put the “blah, blah” in there just to be a dick. Within a split-second of opening the email (or envelope), the applicant knows that he or she didn’t get the job, so the contents of the notification are just a formality anyway. On the other hand, actually hearing back from a job, one way or another, is better than not hearing back at all.
Second, if I were a HR person, I’d have to ask myself, what the hell am I doing?
Dealing with HR is widely accepted to be a consistently shitty experience. I know more than one person who had their hiring nixed by HR, even though their interviewer and potential boss wanted to hire them. So what, exactly, is the point of HR, other than to entangle employees (and potential employees) in a mess of red tape? HR seems to exist primarily to make things more difficult in life. Institutions that serve such a purpose make life so much more enjoyable. That was sarcasm.
It’s no coincidence that the job that ended up working out for me was the rare position that did not involve going through HR–but that’s another story, which I’ll get to soon. The point is, HR department infrastructures are so bloated, it seems to me that anyone who could come up with a new way of leveraging online applications to streamline the admin processes–thus cutting out 75% of the personnel required to accomplish an inane task, and opening up more direct channels of communication for employees–could change the very definition of human resources, and make a fortune in the process. Of course, HR is another in a long list of institutions that are overdue for revolutionizing. Another obvious one? The film industry.
In my previous post I claimed I’m not a criminal. That’s not entirely true, according to Officer R.D. Helms (any relation to Jesse?) of the Charlotte P.D. According to him, “on or about Saturday, the 11 of March, 2006 at 12:00AM in Mecklenburg you did unlawfully and willfully operate a motor vehicle on a street or highway at a speed of 53 MPH in a 40 MPH zone (G.S. 20-141(B)(G)).”
This is far worse than your typical bullshit speeding ticket, for a number of reasons:
1) When I got pulled, I only had two minutes left of a three-hour trip.
2) In two months I’ll turn 25, at which point my insurance will drop dramatically–if I don’t have any points on my license, that is.
3) With my highly effective visual radar, I managed to spot the cop a hundred yards away–but the font that Charlotte uses to write “POLICE” on their cars is fairly low-contrast (light blue on white), and so I thought it was just an innocuous late-model American sedan.
4) I was going 53 on a mostly empty 4-lane highway. That’s perfectly reasonable–it should be unlawful for that to be illegal. Pull me over if I’m driving unsafely or endangering someone, don’t pull me over because the numbers allow your county to turn a profit. Speed limits are more suggestions than laws. Go do some real police work.
This ticket (my third, although my record is clean thanks to a few lawyers and some other, cheaper tactics) made me draw the following conclusion: all highway speed limits in this country should be raised by 10 miles per hour. It won’t happen anytime soon, but it should, and here’s why: cars. They’ve gotten much better. Modern engineering justifies raising the limit. Model Ts needed 30 MPH limits; cars built in the last 15 years need 75 MPH limits. I drive a 4-cylinder car made in ‘99 and it is comfortable going… 99. Even at that speed, which I rarely ever reach, passengers feel like they’re going 70.
From my perspective, raising the limits is a no-brainer. But I’m a healthy twentysomething with close-to 20/20 vision, I’m an outstanding driver, I’ve been driving for a decade, I’ve driven six-digit miles, and I’m driving a newish car. Not all of America can say the same.
So along with raising highway speed limits, we should also raise the age on driving, increase public transportation options, more frequently test the elderly, and revamp the state inspection system.
All of this would be a moot point if the act of raising speed limits made the roads more dangerous. There are way too many accidents as it is, and as long as I’m young, a car accident is what I fear the most in terms of uncontrollable threats to my life. But I did a little research and found that raising highway speed limits does not result in more accidents, in fact in some situations it results in less. And anytime you find an issue that I agree with the National Review on, I think we have a consensus.
Of course, when it comes to tickets, there are always ways to keep the points off your license. Unfortunately I can’t do it in person this time–I’m outside New York right now, in Connecticut. The court date in Carolina is a month away and by then I’ll hopefully be settled into my refrigerator box in the city. Thus I’ve gotta hire an overpriced, southern-fried lawyer with a 4th-tier law degree to represent me. As I said to a girl at the Georgetown Law Barrister’s Ball this past weekend, after she curtly introduced me to her fiancé: “sweet.”
I’m packing up and moving to New York this weekend, so over the next week or so I’ll be posting some quick thoughts on North Carolina (where I was born, and where I’ve spent most of my life).
Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead was a Pulp Fiction-era crime yarn (released in 1995) starring Andy Garcia. In it, he plays a marked man who spends most of the film tying up the loose ends in his life, in preparation for an impending, inescapable mob hit. It’s been a few years since I’ve seen it, and frankly I don’t trust my opinion of any film I saw more than a couple of years ago, but I remember there being a palatable emotional resonance underneath its typical-of-the-times “gangster cool” exterior. Unlike most latter-day crime films, TTDIDWYD wasn’t merely about the logistics of law-breaking, or about the circumstances of Garcia’s death–it was about him putting things in order and making amends before his time was up. Trying to set things straight before leaving any place is a natural priority for most people, and if you’re deprived of this opportunity, things are left in a messy state of incompleteness.
I’m getting out of dodge. And while I’m merely leaving Durham–whereas Garcia’s character was not only leaving Denver, but also this earth–there’s a similar putting-things-in-order and tying-up-of-loose-ends that I’ve been trying to accomplish before I go. I’m not a criminal, though, and I haven’t been tearing through girlfriends like so many ligaments in my shoulder, so I really don’t have the number of damaged personal relationships to repair that a womanizing criminal would.
I kind of wish I did, though. Is that wrong?
Even though I’m still physically here in Durham, my mind has been elsewhere for months. Like Andy Garcia in Denver, I’m as good as gone.
Microsoft Word is unbelievable. I just wrote a few pages about the experience of applying for, and eventually winning, a modest arts grant. The post was a reflection on the arts and the creative process. It was an exploration of applying for grants, and applying for things in general as an artist. It was the first thing I’d written for this site that was actually relevant to filmmaking. It was a great post. Molten fucking gold was flowing directly out of my head onto the page.
And then I had to leave, so I re-read what I’d written, got all warm and fuzzy thinking about how well-written it was, and clicked on the ‘X’ in the upper right-hand corner of Word. The program asked me if I wanted to save the document. Changing my mind, and thinking that I would instead leave the computer on and the document open, I clicked “no.” Instead of “cancel.”
Cue the late-90s Ben Folds Five song: “It evaaaaaaaporated.”
Microsoft Word, if you were a person, you would be former FEMA Director Michael Brown: completely behind the times, ignorant of those you are supposed to assist, and unable to take any preventative measures whatsoever. Let me tell you something: computers these days have huge hard drives. In some cases, hundreds of gigabytes. Yet, in all your wisdom, you’ve been programmed to decide that the .asd file you generate as a backup every 10 minutes should be deleted the very second someone quits. What’s that, you say? I should have saved the document at some point? Well, personally I think the action of saving is going out of style–Microsoft’s own OneNote, for example, automatically saves as you go. And I was in the zone, writing. You’re telling me you couldn’t keep the 30KB file around for a few minutes? Yes, you’re designed to recover damaged documents in case of power failure. But if someone closes without saving, they might as well be stuck on a New Orleans rooftop while you look for a dog-sitter. Prick.
On a completely different, non name-calling note, writing “late-90s” above reminded me: if you go see Good Night, and Good Luck–a movie I would probably call overrated, if I was aware of how it’s been rated–you will see an opening title crawl that starts off something like “During the 1950’s and 1960’s…” Now, I’m not a spelling and grammar stickler, as I’m sure there are plenty of mistakes on this very site (thankfully, blog writing standards are not particularly high). I never learned grammar myself, really–somehow I skipped that part of school, and just learned how to write by reading. I literally (or illiterally) cannot tell you what an adverb or pronoun is. But I do know that you’re not supposed to put apostrophes after years. “50s” is plural and correct; “50’s” is not. It might not seem like a big deal, but when you’re watching it scroll across a 30-foot screen, it kind of jumps out at you.
Now. I think it’s safe to assume (and yes, I’m aware that “now” is not a complete sentence) that many sets of eyes saw the opening title crawl before it went to whatever the digital equivalent of optical title-printing is these days. Indeed, it is borderline offensive to assume that an entire crew would have missed the grammatical error. So perhaps it’s a stylistic choice? Was grammar that different in the 60s? Was Clooney trying to evoke a different era through his subtle apostrophe use? I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. But still.
I’m going to stop writing now, and hit Control-S to save this document. And then I’m going to send it by telegram, hop on my horse and buggy, and play a game of basketball without dribbling.
Saving is dated. Microsoft, get it together.
At some point, I’ll try to re-write the grant post. And save it.
Apparently this site has gotten enough hits (about 70,000 since August, according to ShortStat) that it is now a worthwhile target for the spammers-that-be.
Thanks to everyone who’s visited. Although I think most of you came for that R. Kelly thing and never returned. But of those 70k, only about 2,000 have been from the wikipedia entry on “Trapped in the Closet,” and the number of hits to the R. Kelly pages here total about 16k (a lot, but still less than a quarter of the total hits). I should note that the stats package AWStats reports significantly less hits than ShortStat, but I can’t get it to work right now. And besides, for my ego, I’ll go with the higher number. It just makes no sense that a sparsely-updated, opinion-driven blog written by a wannabe filmmaker with no credits to his name would get any hits at all. So thanks, whoever you are.
All of that said, I’d like to address these spammers personally.
Spammers,
Honestly, I thought you were all just automatons. A bunch of computers out there on the anonymous internet, trolling for websites with less-than-secure comment systems, which you could victimize with advertisements for free iPods, penis pills, and desktop PCs.
I was wrong. You are actual, living human beings.
And thanks, but I already have all of those things.
After I thoughtlessly deleted your comment advertising “cheap Tramadol,” you responded with a pleading, heartfelt question: “why did you delete my post about Tramadol?”
Why, indeed?
Here, “Harry Q. Hammer,” I’m going to make amends: I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that you are a real person with real feelings, and that you’d spent your own precious time advertising Tramadol on my site. I should be so lucky as to have real sponsors! To make it up to you and your likeminded friends, I’m posting some information about Tramadol here, which I believe you are selling “generic” versions of. I hope this helps your sales.
Tramadol is used to relieve moderate to moderately severe pain. It may be used to treat pain caused by surgery and chronic conditions such as cancer or joint pain. Tramadol is in a class of medications called opiate (narcotic) analgesics. It works by decreasing the body’s sense of pain.
Harry, I’m working under the assumption that your client base is made up mostly of people who are prescription-less, and who are interested in using Tramadol for “recreational” purposes. Given that this is ostensibly a film-oriented site, with a readership of film-type people, you may have a decent pill-popping market here. But since I care about my readers, I would be remiss if I did not also post the potential side effects:
dizziness
weakness
headache
seizures
nervousness or anxiety
agitation
shaking hands that you cannot control
increased muscle tightness
changes in mood
drowsiness
blurred vision
heartburn or indigestion
upset stomach
vomiting
diarrhea
constipation
itching
sweating
flushing
dry mouth
hives
rash
sores on the inside of your mouth, nose, eyes, or throat
flu-like symptoms
itching
difficulty swallowing or breathing
swelling of the face, throat, tongue, lips, eyes, hands, feet, ankles, or lower legs
fast heartbeat
hoarseness
difficulty swallowing or breathing
changes in urination
seeing things or hearing voices that do not exist (hallucinating)
That last one sounds fun! In fact, many of these “side effects” may be exactly what the recreational user is looking for. I’ve just done you another favor.
Unfortunately, as a result of your advertising here, I had to spend some time installing spam filters to make sure this never happens again.
Still–don’t say I never did nothin’ for ya.
Actually, you can say it all you want–no one’s gonna hear you anymore. Asshole.
On the sidebar to the left, I have posted some new stuff. Because they are “pages” and not “posts,” they do not show up in this main space. I have not gotten comments to work on them yet, mainly because I have no idea what I’m doing.
Actual Movies is a movie ratings system I created after seeing many, many bad films. The list covers films that either a) came out recently or b) are coming soon–to theaters, DVD, or the Pacifying Device. It will be periodically updated, as I see more bad movies.
Actual Movies, Explained is the logic, or lack thereof, behind this ratings system. Here is an excerpt:
I have left the theater so many times with the feeling that I just witnessed an amalgamation of arbitrary formula, marketing strategies, committee-based decision-making, and opportunistic career-building–with nary a singular, creative vision to be found among it all–that it could not even technically be called a film. This garbage I just sat through could not possibly be considered a movie in the same vein as a film that actually tries to express something genuine, could it? No. Thus it is Not Actually a Movie.
New Lows is a page about making it as an artist, but not by being good at what you do; rather the opposite. It also cites specific examples, if you like the kind of words that would get you in trouble in grade school.
New Lows separate themselves from the average and below-average by either being so bad they’re good, or by being so bad that they deserve their own category of bad. If you can manage to successfully lower the bar in this respect, you have achieved New Lows.
Other pages, like, oh, say, the explanation behind this site, are still not posted. Basically I’ve avoided the most important thing by getting the less important things done–I just cleaned up my room because I had homework to do, essentially. The good thing about "No" Film School, though? No homework. The bad thing? The tuition is outrageous.
Ty: Like you stated though, all you need is a PC that runs iTunes (for now) With the new Apple TV, Apple Decides the Living Room Can Wait
Ty: Ah. Good point. Ever since switching over to Apple I've kind of taken fo… With the new Apple TV, Apple Decides the Living Room Can Wait
William: What I want to see is a device that will bury the cable companies. Time Wa… With the new Apple TV, Apple Decides the Living Room Can Wait
Koo: That's a good point -- all you need is another piece of Apple hardware tha… With the new Apple TV, Apple Decides the Living Room Can Wait