December 9, 2005

A rite of passage

Apparently this site has gotten enough hits (about 70,000 since August, according to ShortStat) that it is now a worthwhile target for the spammers-that-be.

Thanks to everyone who's visited. Although I think most of you came for that R. Kelly thing and never returned. But of those 70k, only about 2,000 have been from the wikipedia entry on "Trapped in the Closet," and the number of hits to the R. Kelly pages here total about 16k (a lot, but still less than a quarter of the total hits). I should note that the stats package AWStats reports significantly less hits than ShortStat, but I can't get it to work right now. And besides, for my ego, I'll go with the higher number. It just makes no sense that a sparsely-updated, opinion-driven blog written by a wannabe filmmaker with no credits to his name would get any hits at all. So thanks, whoever you are.

All of that said, I'd like to address these spammers personally.

Spammers,

Honestly, I thought you were all just automatons. A bunch of computers out there on the anonymous internet, trolling for websites with less-than-secure comment systems, which you could victimize with advertisements for free iPods, penis pills, and desktop PCs.

I was wrong. You are actual, living human beings.

And thanks, but I already have all of those things.

After I thoughtlessly deleted your comment advertising "cheap Tramadol," you responded with a pleading, heartfelt question: "why did you delete my post about Tramadol?"

Why, indeed?

Here, "Harry Q. Hammer," I'm going to make amends: I'm sorry. I didn't realize that you are a real person with real feelings, and that you'd spent your own precious time advertising Tramadol on my site. I should be so lucky as to have real sponsors! To make it up to you and your likeminded friends, I'm posting some information about Tramadol here, which I believe you are selling "generic" versions of. I hope this helps your sales.

Tramadol is used to relieve moderate to moderately severe pain. It may be used to treat pain caused by surgery and chronic conditions such as cancer or joint pain. Tramadol is in a class of medications called opiate (narcotic) analgesics. It works by decreasing the body's sense of pain.

Harry, I'm working under the assumption that your client base is made up mostly of people who are prescription-less, and who are interested in using Tramadol for "recreational" purposes. Given that this is ostensibly a film-oriented site, with a readership of film-type people, you may have a decent pill-popping market here. But since I care about my readers, I would be remiss if I did not also post the potential side effects:

dizziness
weakness
headache
seizures
nervousness or anxiety
agitation
shaking hands that you cannot control
increased muscle tightness
changes in mood
drowsiness
blurred vision
heartburn or indigestion
upset stomach
vomiting
diarrhea
constipation
itching
sweating
flushing
dry mouth
hives
rash
sores on the inside of your mouth, nose, eyes, or throat
flu-like symptoms
itching
difficulty swallowing or breathing
swelling of the face, throat, tongue, lips, eyes, hands, feet, ankles, or lower legs
fast heartbeat
hoarseness
difficulty swallowing or breathing
changes in urination
seeing things or hearing voices that do not exist (hallucinating)

That last one sounds fun! In fact, many of these "side effects" may be exactly what the recreational user is looking for. I've just done you another favor.

Unfortunately, as a result of your advertising here, I had to spend some time installing spam filters to make sure this never happens again.

Still--don't say I never did nothin' for ya.

Actually, you can say it all you want--no one's gonna hear you anymore. Asshole.

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